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December 7th, 2017

11:08 pm - No fins
I tried using William Trubridge's no fins technique in the pool just now...

Oh my gosh. So powerful. It was like wow.

He's not only a good Freediver, also an excellent teacher.

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11:56 am - 2017
What a surprising year it has been. If you had asked me in December 2016, what I thought 2017 would have been like, I could have guessed nothing like what had happened this year.

Nursing sores from having a halved salary and unrequited love, I was disappointed end 2016, worried about my future, hoping so badly to leave Singapore, and hoped much that 2017 would at least be better.

But would I have guessed like opportunities to teach and... Becoming so passionate about Freediving?

Not at all. Freediving wasn't even in the picture except a faraway thought that that someone did it. Don't forget that I'm not a water creature! Lol. Scuba diving wasn't in the picture either. And for a silly reason that I just wasn't comfortable in anything figure hugging or revealing of my skin for a very long time.

So 2017 really came as a surprise. I told some friends that I saw Freediving as a diversion from seeking a relationship. It gave me a high that maybe in my limited experience and exposure, felt a lot like falling in love.

Sometimes I feel so much love in my heart and I just want to channel it somewhere.

This is also the year I almost gave up on the PHD. Yes, and lead a wanderer's life. It was a very emotional period.

Actually the whole of 2017 was very emotional for me. I had also lost a lot of sleep. So many new stimuli and so much so much uncertainties.

But many beautiful moments as well.

I think I became a little bit sturdier.

Standing on my feet again after being pretty down in 2015 and 2016.

Thank You God for this eventful year. For the moments I would treasure for a long time to come. New friendships that I treasure and deepening of old ones that I am grateful for. Really grateful for B, M, and H this year. Grateful to have friends who love me so.

2017 hasn't been too bad at all. Thank You!

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November 28th, 2017

04:38 pm - Reflections
I am feeling a little pensive.

Just looking at this blog and how I've had it since I was 15 and now I'm like 31.

I'm so much older but sometimes I feel just as vulnerable.

Something triggers me emotionally and I become like a kid or teenager again.

But I guess it's also about how far I've come, how I made it through 31 years of my life without killing anyone, including myself.

I think that's an achievement, frankly.

Forgive me all the people I've hurt, including me.

Good job to everybody who has continue to plod on bravely in life despite it not always making a lot of sense and being incoherent, or despite us simply being unready to face what life throws at us. We still cry, gather our strength, restore our hope, and stand up and carry on. And this bravery, I think deserves to be celebrated.

Gosh, so pensive.

Maybe 2018, my resolution will be something like, I just want to have more fun, take life and work and duty and people, and especially myself less seriously, and have more fun. You know, even stuff that are normally not fun, I want to approach them in a fun way with a fun mindset.

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04:00 pm - Jazz - such soulful music!

Ah, I want to go back to New Orleans...
Current Mood: pensivepensive

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November 27th, 2017

08:35 am - Dream dream dream
I wondered if I told you here how I had been having very disrupted sleep since July. Basically I wake up a few times during the night. I never really entered the dream state.

Finally, lately, I stopped waking up in the middle of the night. And I started dreaming again. All my childhood dreams. Primary school friend on my left, JC friend on my right, we were going to take an exam. And the professor was recommending a course that included learning Russian.

Being demon possessed.

Being in a house.

Being in a supermarket.

Familiar dreamscapes are coming back with a revenge.

It’s been so long since I dreamed. :)

It has also made me groggy when I wake up, and I struggle to get up these days.

I hope this is doing my brain some good. It feels like I have been on drugs and suddenly taken off them!

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November 24th, 2017

01:32 pm
Some days you are allowed to taste and see the beauty of life. Like just now when I was walking down Holland Village and just happy to be alive and awake and like a foreigner in my own country. :)

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November 22nd, 2017

06:34 am - Change in biological rhythm
Something strange has been happening to me. Without me wanting to do it, I’ve been waking up around 6am in the morning. Initially when it started, I denied it and tried to go back to sleep. But then I realized, why not take advantage of it to work? And so that has been my new life. Problem is I tire out quite early in the night. And the wonderful thing is that it helps me sleep better.

Those familiar with my insomnia would know how much this means to me. To be completely switched off from this current world - what a bliss!

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November 19th, 2017

12:45 pm - Beautiful

I thought I heard him saying, "She's very beautiful".

But "beautiful" is just not a word I associate with myself.

So I turned 360 degrees looking around to see who he could be referring to.

I pray to learn to see my beauty and to be my strongest advocate and supporter.

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12:42 pm - Conflicted existence

Lately, I keep hearing God whispering to me that He loves me.

Sometimes I don't feel very strong.

I have a lot of self-doubt.

And I question my existence. 

I feel the urge to prove myself.

To prove to I don't know who that I deserve this spot I occupy on earth.

It breaks my heart to see me like this.

No, Shuyi, you don't need to prove anything to anyone.

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09:34 am - Waiting and playing with time

I am an impatient person.

I don't like waiting.

I want to see a reaction to my action fast. If I don't, I make another action quickly.

Today, I realized how this doesn't work.

My dog, Nami, and I have developed this ritual (not by my choice), but when it's time to go for a walk, you'll hear two sets of footsteps, mine, loud and determined towards the door and another eager and playful shuffling behind me. When we arrive at the door, I would step out, but Nami would remain inside the house and our ritual will commence.

I would try to coax her out, she wouldn't budge, so I would close the door and then open it. And do this multiple times. In the past, closing the door would cause her to come out when I opened it. But lately, this doesn't seem to work.

Today, I tried closing the door and then waiting five seconds.

Nami immediately rushed out when I opened the door.



Knowing to use time to your advantage and get what you want...

Perhaps in that five seconds of my non-doing, I sowed doubt and anticipation in Nami's mind (the way my mind goes crazy when I hold my breath in water) and so she responded such.

I think that is what I need to learn. And perhaps it would be my lesson from today onwards and all of 2018. Learning to be patient, learning how time and people work, and not being impatient to see results, sacrificing the natural progress of things. 

And trusting that in my non-doing, things are still progressing and working their way out.

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