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April 22nd, 2018

05:27 pm - Overworked Machine
Sometimes I have so much energy in my body, I don't know where to channel it to, and it spins around in my mind, in my body - heart beating fast with nervous energy, I feel warm and even hot sometimes...

Just now, I walked in the rain with an umbrella. The cool air was so comforting to my overheated body. The walk was also a nice way for me to expend my energy away.

I think especially now, I need this exercise, a swim in a cold pool.

I feel like I an overworked machine.

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April 19th, 2018

04:39 pm - My body
My body reminds me not to put too much stress on it. It acts out on me.

Can’t sleep.
Weight loss.

Slow down, relax...

I... have changed. My body cannot handle high loads of stress anymore. It will tell me through my health that it cannot take it. And that I must find a way to live my life better or it will act out on me.

This... developed the past year... I think before that the opposite was happening.

My body was more depressed and toned down. Now, it is anxious and hyperactive.

It doesn’t feel good at all.

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April 16th, 2018

10:53 am - A snippet of a conversation
I once had a conversation with my bestie (omg, I'm using cool and youthful terms!), and I told her I felt she should leave academia and go out there, because I didn't want to see her many talents, skills, abilities buried. I secretly thought in my heart, apologies to academicians, that academia was a cop out, for people who were not good enough for the out there, who had limited social skills, a narrowed skillset, and were nerdy. Yes, I'm describing maybe myself.

My bestie challenged me. She didn't see academia that way. To her, people chose to be in this field, they were intelligent, had options... People like her in academia, and my boss, make me agree that yes academia also attracts the best talents. :)

Why did I suddenly write about this?

Why do I write so much about myself here. Malcolm Gladwell would say I'm so full of myself. Don't I have stories of other people to tell? No, not really. Though I wish to have. I am afraid, actually. Socializing, getting to know people authentically, sincerely, deeply, doesn't come naturally to me.

Recently, I started googling again and wondering whether there's any chance I'm autistic. I recalled an incident last year when someone stretched his hand out to shake mine, offering his name, I took a few miliseconds to recognize in my head that that was a way of greeting, and I was to do the same, so I also offered my hand out, and I took another few miliseconds to recall my name. There is always this delay in my interactions/responses because I am making sense of what is happening and choosing the right respond to take from the knowledge I have of the situation.

It doesn't come easily or naturally to me.

But how far I have progressed in life. I think we must all have our quirks and weirdness and struggles and idiosyncrasies. And we get by the best we can with them.

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April 14th, 2018

03:48 pm - Difficult few weeks...
"They say that heartaches tend to be more intense as they unfold in our lives. You will think that you will be better in dealing with the current one because the past one was excessively painful. As it happens, it is always like dealing with it as a new heartache. It is as tough as the past ones, or even tougher. But they also say that there is a good reward for hurdling with a heartache successfully. To those who go through it successfully, they turn into signposts for the one true person later on." A.

Thank you A for your words to me. I have been very blessed that in my journey beginning July last year, which I kept very much private, of falling in love with someone who I later found out is in love with someone else, I had many friends who supported me through this ongoing journey. A was one of them. My feelings intensified recently when I found out who my love interest's love was. It accelerated my "moving on" process by intensifying my emotions and making reality more real.

I don't know why... I have had crushes on many guys before but as A puts it, it seems to get more intense and painful with time. I think I am someone who does't hold back, and as I grow older, I realized I let go even more. If I like someone, I pursue with all my heart, I make myself very vulnerable. I don't really know how to protect myself from heartbreak. I fall hard into the trap of love. I wish I had this much courage in other areas of my life, to dare take this kinda risk in my career and all. (But no, I don't.)

I don't know. *shrugs* Love is different.

So my growing up journey continues, this journey into adulthood. I guess this heartbreak isn't the first and won't be the last. I think I've tried to handle it the best I can, with as much love, graciousness, and gratitude as my little fragile heart can muster.

I think I am most grateful about God helping me out in this journey. You know, I asked God for this guy on multiple shooting stars in the night sky at Ijen. Erm, like you know, shooting stars... I could have asked for anything in the world, for all the diseases of this world to be cured, happiness to reach all the hurting people, you know, anything at all, but... I asked for him. *laughs at herself* So I know that this "no" is from God. And I respect him and I trust God. God has intervened in more than one ways, in more times than one, to tell me that this is not going to work out and comforted me about it.

I think God knew that I was the kind of person who pours everything out and leaves nothing for herself, and how heartbroken I would be if things didn't work out, so He reached out to me in advance and placed so many kind and loving souls around me to guide and comfort me. I saw the tender heart of God and received the love and support of my friends. That to me is one of the most beautiful things that happenned out of this heartbreak. Life is indeed bittersweet.

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10:09 am - Seeing myself as a writer with many writing jobs
The first time you take on a research project, it is special, it is a mammoth task, you learn a lot. But after having repeatedly done research, now, even my own research is no longer special. It is work.

I’ve decided to look at my PhD as a form of work, like the other work I am paid to work on. I have contracted myself to work on this PhD. It is one of the many writing jobs I have to do. I am not exactly making a living out of it yet, because I am paying my own school fees, but hopefully I can get a scholarship sometime.

Because of this, I must be very objective and neutral. I cannot dilly dally with this or try to come up with a dazzling piece of work (I have many jobs, I cannot afford to make each one so stellar) or procrastinate until better conditions. I have a responsibility to myself as well to complete the work I contracted out to myself to do.

Hopefully this change in mindset will help me go on with my PhD. PhD is work, it doesn’t have to be fun. But thankfully for me, work tends to be fun.

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April 10th, 2018

03:11 pm - My safe space
My journal is my safe space.

Here, I explore the contents of my mind and my heart.

I sometimes pour them out here.

The past few weeks and months have been exceptionally difficult.

How can I give myself breathing space?

What do I do when the thing I love to do most is squeezing all the air out of me?

I kind of saw this coming... And I was afraid back then as well. What if the thing that gave you pleasure was entangled with the thing that takes away that pleasure from you?

It is hard when what you like becomes entangled with who you like.

Maybe it's not so hard. Maybe by taking a few steps back first, I can later on take bigger steps forward.

And I also look at what is important to me... What is of value to me... I think at this point in time, my mental and emotional well-being are important to me. Self-care. I hope to nurture myself back to health (and hope) and be patient with my progress.

I feel tired. I think it's my heart that's tired. How do I give my heart a break?

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April 8th, 2018

11:03 am - One breath at a time
Sometimes I feel very far away... I don’t feel like I’m in my body. I feel that my mind is far far away or it has switched off. And all I can sense are some uncomfortable feelings in my chest and head.

And then I want to remind myself to come back, to not stay away too long.

I say.

One breath at a time.
One step at a time.
One day at a time.
One person at a time.
One task at a time.
One moment at a time.
One second at a time.

If I can make it through this second, I may make it through the next second. And this way, I will make my way through life.

If I think, “When is this going to end?” It will only make me feel worry and anxious about my future.

So I don’t think so far. Come back. Let’s handle one thing at a time. If you can just do this one thing, it is enough.

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April 3rd, 2018

07:07 pm
I was in a mess before I met him. He was temporary relief. Now that he’s gone. I have to reface this mess I left behind.

God give me courage. Gotta eventually, sooner or later, put my house back in order.

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March 25th, 2018

07:59 am - Sick
I realised I can be so hard on myself. I think I didn’t realise I was sick. Why wasn’t I able to do the things I normally did? Why don’t I have the motivation to?

When you’re sick, that’s what happens. :)

So you drop everything and you rest. :)

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March 22nd, 2018

09:22 pm
“Thank you for loving him for Me.”

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