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September 12th, 2019

04:32 pm - We shall move on!
I feel disheartened sometimes when people give me advise that doesn't seat well with my heart. Later on, I usually realise that their advice is usually coloured by their own experience and emotions.

Why am I disheartened?

I know myself best and what I want and how I want to do it. I don't have to follow someone's advise just because they gave it to me or because it works well for them or because they are the expert.

I listened, I accept their advice. But in the end, I will plot and chart my own path.

Maybe I will stop telling people my dream for now. I will hide it in my heart and pursue it so I can pursue it uncluttered and uncoloured by people's judgement of it.

But two of my friends supported me and I am happy for that.

You know, my dream may change in a month's time. They are fluid.

And I am getting to know myself better. The Shuyi of youth is returning. The person I used to know. Who hid away all of herself to fit into the environment and others' expectations of her. She's coming back.

And I will support her!

Now my child, rest, and let this not bother you anymore.

We shall move on!

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August 31st, 2019

08:00 am
The next journey of my life, wherever it takes me, will have a more inwards focus. In terms of clarifying my goals and needs and wants, and what would make me happy, and pursuing them.

I didn’t know my old habits crept into part one of my trip. I live my life around others. I planned my trip around people. I chose where to go because of people.

You know, in six months of my life, I felt I experience so much more than many years of my life. I felt like I had a crash course on love and relationships and then being my own person. But...

I am still not at peace and still not happy.

Every time I tell someone life is complicated, they would say it’s easy.

How can it be easy.

If it really is, maybe I can try to discover this in the next six months of my life.

Plan my trip around myself - a trip that would make me happy. :) it may look like nothing that would make someone else happy. Because I found out I am quite unconventional. And if that is so, I’ll just embrace that and who I am.

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August 26th, 2019

03:10 pm - Stress
It has been stressful coming back to Singapore.

The constant beeping of the handphone. I love and appreciate my friends. But I only have little time here in Singapore. So trying to fit in everybody into my schedule just makes each day stressful for me.

You know people will say I don't have to meet anyone I don't wish to. But this has always been my weak point and still is. I am better now than before but I treat people with respect and I care what they think of me.

I think we are all different and unique. Someone else in my shoes might feel happy that his or her life is full of social activities and such. But maybe I am an introvert.

My ideal day is not spent meeting people but just lazing in bed reading or browsing a library or just taking time to do all the life admin I need to do. Maybe one or two meet ups a week is still okay but not one or two or even three everyday. But that's what it has been like for me now.

Maybe you might say, why don't you just limit your meet ups?

Maybe it has been ingrained in me from youth, but it's just hard for me to do that. It seems like my body has made it a habit already that is hard to break.

Maybe ranting here would help me out a bit.

I noticed though, if I priortize myself and meet my own needs first, I have more energy to meet others. So maybe I can start by doing that too.

For me prioritizing myself means working, writing, buying all the required materials for my next travels and doing all related tasks... Yeah, working to me is a very energy restoring type of activity.

I feel like a very odd person.

But that's me! I like working!

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August 18th, 2019

03:45 pm
I realised I haven’t been coming here often. And that’s because I confide in brief messages in twitter.

I am sick.

I returned to my responsibilities in Singapore and my body went, “No, no, no.”

I am packing my letters and I realised there are some pivotal letters that made a change to the direction of my life or left a deep impression or are useful but most letters actually are about the same usual ramblings.

I have not yet told you the story of why I left the church. I will tell you another time.

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August 6th, 2019

06:07 pm
Don’t you understand it now?

Who you like tells you more about yourself than the person you like.

About your wild and crazy heart.

That you like men who are childlike and playful, who love animals and children.

That you like the literary man and the poet and the artist and musician.

Someone who knows so much more than you so he never bores you.

And most importantly, you like a kindhearted, gentle soul who looks out for people and for you.

Hmmmm... oh my wild heart.

Don’t be a slave to any men again.

Don’t hold on tight to anyone.

Love and care for yourself.

Be present as much as you can.

Don’t follow the tides of emotion.

Enjoy the winks from heaven and how the universe helps you get what you want.

But never be a slave to anyone again.

Your freedom is worth so so much. Be free, my child.

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August 4th, 2019

04:57 pm
I learned not to compare myself with others.

What do I know about what they began with or when?

What do I know about their motivations, challenges, and how hard they worked to make it to this day?

I don’t know their fears and compulsions, and whether they had a good family upbringing or a poor one.

Whether they had parents or lovers who love them. Or friendship abundance.

I don’t know a lot.

So I don’t compare.

All I can do is to humbly appreciate each individual for whoever they are and whatever they have been given.

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July 30th, 2019

05:02 pm
I don’t know if it’s the alpiste milk I made for myself. But after taking it, I felt light headed and heart palpitations. I didn’t feel good today at all. I already felt tired but it seemed worse today.

Trying to take it easy.

Did some housework.

Now in a restaurant (Blue Elephant) and just had a tomyum soup. Had a strong craving for this.

And may head to the ATM machine at the petrol kiosk.

I felt a little bit depressed too. I feel it’s linked to the symptoms I am experiencing. M said it could be low blood pressure.

I think because of that I feel I need to blog about ho I am feeling right now and just get it off my chest.

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July 29th, 2019

08:53 am
I wanted to write a part two to my article on handsfree and I have interviewed a number of competitor who handsfree. Myself, one of the greatest motivation for me to increasing my depth is so I can share with you how I did it. However, the more I talk with people about equalization and the more I try to figure it out of my own, the more personal this topic becomes and the more I realised equalization is a very private and individual journey.

We simply do what is easiest for us. It is good to put into the hands of freedivers a variety of tools for them to experiment with on their own underwater and give them time to explore their own equalization. One of the most unhelpful ways to teach equalization is to insist that your method is the best one, because it could only be the best to you or to what you have seen and known so far.

Each individual is unique. We can learn general principles but there is no one right way to do it. We figure it out along the way and we keep changing the way we equalize, the more we learn about ourselves and the longer we freedive. This has become my conclusion after my subconscious work on it. Yes, everyone is envious of hands free and many want to learn it, but all I can say is that if, like me, you're not naturally incline to doing it, it may take you a lot of hard work and years to master it.

The way I still strugle to Frenzel but will not rule out this techinque because it is great to have many to choose from when I am at lost at depth.

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July 19th, 2019

10:33 pm - Why I take my rest days...
As much as my goal is to be an athlete this few months. I have my limitations. I did not like most athletes already know many months in advance that I am going to compete in a competition. Had I had known, I would have begin my fitness regime very much earlier and would be very much more prepared.

No. I did not even know that freediving would figure so much in my life again.

So yes, I am not one of the athletes in this competition that came very prepared to train and compete.

No. I am not at their level of fitness. A few days of PBs has exhausted me. A few days non-stop in the water has torn my skin.

Yes, my skin is not adapted to being in salt water everyday. I have many abrasion marks on my skin. A hole in my foot, a hole in my knee, a hole in my hand.

Yes. My body is not that strong.

Yes. 40m CWT today. I just made it with much struggle - it showed up in the sonar, it looked like early turns. No. What I was doing was reverse packing. Very hard for me when I am stressed. And yes, my first dive, I kicked off my fin. So I had to wait 1 minute and do my dive again. Yes, I am that clumsy runner who steps on her own foot when she runs. It happens when I dive too. I kick off my own fins.

And yes, I wanted to prove that small fins work. They do work. But what I have now is achey calf muscles.

So this is me. This is my second competition. I don't have the experienced and fitness and skills of many divers.

I just want to learn, experiment, and have fun!

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July 18th, 2019

09:39 pm - Being your own teacher
I made a lot of progress in my freediving in the past 2 weeks.

In Florida, I hit a few 30s, what had been difficult for me.

But in Roatán, I started making 30s consistent and I have hit 40m.

What happened was that on the day of my first training, the line was set to 40m, but I was told that it was set to 30m. So of course, I went all the way to the bottom, only to realise the "mistake" when I returned to the surface.

This of course was magical for me. My lungs got stretched and since then, it has been more flexible for the depths of 30-40m.

This is a big improvement honestly. I learned that I am able to reverse pack from the depths of 30-40 m. And I learn to take a "mouthfill" or "maskfill" of sorts around 15m.

Because I am learning hands free and I did not have many teachers who did hands free, I had to figure and experiment and trial and error many things on my own. I did not do what the majority of freedivers do when they pass 30m - what is traditionally called the "mouthfill".

Here at Roatán, I found out that many freedivers do what I do. And they take it to really deep depths.

The main difference is that it came naturally to them, whereas I had to learn it from scratch. From their first dives, they were already able to hit this 30m, which took me 2 years to learn.

Because EQ has always been my issue, my favourite discipline has always been free immersion, which is pulling myself down the line. I needed my hand to be always on the line because I needed to pause regularly to equalize. It took conscious effort to equalize, unlike the natural hands freers. And I will only pull myself down if I can equalize. So I never freefalled before.

I was thinking to myself why haven't I freefalled. People have tried to correct my lack of freefall but because equalization was so difficult for me, I just couldn't "let go".

So what changed? Why am I able to equalize now?

1. Less stress (I get sticky ears and cannot eq when I'm stressed)
2. More skillful at equalization (both the technique and air shift)
3. Lung flexibility has increased (and figuring out that I do not need to give up when I lose my maskfill, I could simply bring up more air through reverse packing)

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